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Q: In the Pig Farmer episode, watching that boar swagger into the barn and mount the "dummy" sow — like it was the most natural thing in the world — opened up a whole world of questions for me. Just how does the farmer teach him to do that? Is that one particular boar the "go-to guy" so to speak, or are all boars trained to perform? Also, why does the farmer get involved? Seems to me that female was pretty enamored of the boar; why not let nature take its course?
A: Welcome to the mysteries of animal husbandry. I don't have all the answers, and frankly, I'm not sure I want to know how the boar is "taught" to mount the dummy. But I do know that when nature takes its course down on the farm, bad things can happen, and there isn't a great deal of romance in the barnyard.
Consider for a moment the equipment on a boar — 14 inches long, surprisingly slender and believe it or not, shaped exactly like a corkscrew. Now imagine for a moment, the complexities of successfully navigating this appendage in the heat of passion. The 800-pound boar is on top of the 800-pound sow. He is balanced precariously on two hind legs, both of which are slipping around madly in the mud. His front legs, with sharp, cloven hooves, are digging into the sow's skin, and drawing blood.
All of this before the boar even gains entry! When that happens, stand back. Sixteen-hundred pounds of pork locked in violent ecstasy can make one heck of a racket, and the sight of mud, blood, saliva, semen and manure flying through the air is hard to forget.
Pigs are this particular farmer's sole commodity and allowing them to copulate willy-nilly is just too risky-risky. Apparently, lending a "hand" is safer for all concerned.
Q: I caught the horse artificial insemination episode the other night and had to laugh — why was the stallion's "member" blurred out? Also, for being such a sterile process, is it really a "dirty job"?
A: The fully engorged member of a grown-up horse is a truly shocking sight, and seeing it up close can have a traumatic and varied effect on the unprepared. On the day in question, when the horse first entered the barn, one of my cameramen became so distraught he let a very expensive camera slip from his grasp and fall to the floor. The other developed a facial tick that still troubles him to this day. My director wept openly at the sight, while the audio engineer collapsed in the corner and slipped into a fugue state. As for me, I confess to going a bit wobbly in the knees and feeling disoriented. Clearly, for the sake of the viewing public, the blurring had to be done.
As for the sterility/dirty issue, trust me — the inside of a horse, blurry or not, is a fairly dirty place.
Q: What a fantastically foul show! I was baking a buttermilk chocolate cake just before the sewer episode came on; it went from appetizing to repulsive in a few brief minutes. I do appreciate how you treat poo shovelers with respect and get them to teach you what they're doing.
Anyway, my question is this: did you have to get every vaccination on the planet in order to come so close to poo and not risk getting sick? Or perhaps, I should ask, should you have gotten them?
A: Fantastically foul?! I am ferociously flattered.
I do apologize about the chocolate cake. There was a time when a chocolate/poo juxtaposition would have given me pause as well, but those days are behind me. Today, I'm sorry to say that I could happily consume a pound of fudge in a port-a-potty. In fact, I have.
As for respect, shovelers of poo and other dubious solids deserve more than most, and I really do admire them greatly. In terms of precautions, nothing out of the ordinary — tetanus, Hep-A, Hep-B, diphtheria, yellow fever, whooping cough, dengue fever, gamma globulin, typhus and something for meningitis.
